As I sit here, guilt has literally taken over. It has been so long since I've sat here in front of this computer and in front of God, praying to be humbled. How fast it happens, and really without us even noticing-us thinking that we don't need God....things are good....I'm ok not praying today, or spending time in worship. And what's even worse....I did notice, and it was ok with me. WOW! Conviction....it's an amazing, awful, extraordinary thing. And here I sit....being so heavily convicted.
I was in Promiseland (kids Sunday school) this past Sunday, I'm listening to an amazing woman teach children about the Lord's Prayer. And that's when it hit me (MY GOD used something so simple, in a setting that I continuously tell myself is not for me). Forgiveness and Love....2 things that I have made myself incapable of....because I'm ok not liking some people, and forgiveness? Yeah, right....People obviously have NO idea how important I am. And I say I don't really think this, and NEVER would I actually tell someone that (seriously)...but isn't that actually what we're thinking? I know I do. Love + Forgiveness (MY PRIDE) = my downfall.
I have been angry with precious hearts recently-over the stupidest little things, I have taken myself out of certain events because either things weren't being done the way that I would do them, or because I just didn't have time to be bothered, or because my unforgiving heart (my pride) wouldn't let something go. I sit here now and I hear a voice in my head, " Do you hear yourself? Caryn, Who do you think you are? What is wrong with you?" I have let PRIDE overcome me. I have totally turned my back and have been "bucking" against the changes that MY GOD wants to work in me. And why? Obviously because I know more than my Heavenly Father, who created the universe, who raises people from the dead, who heals the sick, and who has been so merciful to me. I'm a fool. And I say this with total shame. SHAME
So, here I am...again. Pleading with MY GOD, for yet one more chance to "listen...to BE STILL AND KNOW." And the shame really kicks in as I know HE IS THERE....for stupid me. This is my desire....to be used by MY GOD! To be used.....to be open....to be HUMBLED. I sit here in humility, waiting to hear from MY GOD. Ready, once again to listen. I don't know why, but I was ok with the enemy visiting for a while....NOW I'm ready for him to go....GO!
I have been blessed with a voice, and I'm not talking about singing songs. I'm talking about a voice that can either hurt or heal....and lately, I have been hurting more than healing. God I pray for your forgiveness, for hurting instead of helping situations, I pray God that you come and overtake me. Just take me over....I am nothing without you. I want to live a life of worship. Not just Sunday mornings-when it takes 2 or 3 songs to really "get into it". God I pray that you pour into me a heart of worship. I pray that when I use my tongue for anything other than bringing you glory, that it is taken from me....I pray right now, that you take my pride and demolish it, and that you fill me with love for others. Not the easy kind of love for the hurting hearts or for the people I already love. I'm talking about the really hard people. The one's I just don't like. And God you know who I'm talking about, and I pray that you bring me to absolute awful situations with these people, if it means a chance to use the gift of love you intend on me using. Break me of my pride, God. I know that since I have asked for this, there are going to be situations that come to force me to use this love you are giving me, and I pray that YOU remind me of this gift of love and when to use it. I thank YOU for releasing me of the chains I have chosen to shackle around myself.
Now, I lift my hands, and I let MY GOD take control. I have not made myself available to that beautiful "sword slicing" sound in quite a while. I need to hear it again.
"I'll stand with arms high and heart abandoned in awe of the one who gave it all, I'll stand, my soul to YOU Lord I surrender, ALL I am is YOURS..... I'll stand with arms high and heart abandoned in awe of the one who gave it all, and I'll stand, my soul to YOU, Lord I surrender, ALL I am is YOURS...."
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