March 24,2011

It's been a rough week here at the Hirtriter house.  Our beloved dog...Harley Jane, AKA-diddles, AKA-pup-pup din ( I know, right?), was welcomed into Heaven yesterday.  She was 14!  Yep...14!!!!  I don't know how she did it....she was living on love.  So, needless to say, it's been a very sad couple of days here.  You wouldn't think that coming home would be so different....it is.   Nae-Nae and Lolly are such precious girls.  Their poor little hearts are broken.  But, they say things like, "well, at least she gets to play with grand-dad again, and Kouch and Buster" (2 other family dogs that Harley grew up with).  It's hard to lose such a part of the family.  And I do realize, people that don't have pets just don't get it.  Just like I don't get people who don't have pets.....
Yesterday also would have been my dad's birthday-had he not died on April 16. As I sit here right now, I am having the hardest time making myself talk about this subject.  Like I told you before, I pray before every blog.  And today is no different.  I pray for MY GOD to take over and speak through me and to me.  This is a subject I have rarely talk about, and for some reason, I can't not talk about this.  I have been very emotional over the last couple of days.  I have literally felt myself slipping into anxiety attacks,  panic, worry, shame, regret, and questions.  To be perfectly honest, I was almost ok with being there.  Even though I know that these feelings are not from MY GOD, I gave in and listened to the enemy.  It was easier than getting on my knees and being completely open about my feelings.  I know it's ok with MY GOD to have feelings of sadness and mourning.  The other feelings, definitely not, because I wasn't in a place to glorify MY GOD.  And that is what I'm trying to get to-glorifying MY GOD in all things.  The difference in me now, and the difference in me a year ago--- I am stopping the cycle.  No more negative, shameful, regretful feelings.  I know that is not what MY GOD has intended.  He has intended on me coming to him.  And I did that.  Sure it took me a couple of days to get here, but I'm here now.  It's times like this, I am convinced this is why MY GOD started this blog with me.  As I sit here now, I am feeling a calming peace flowing through me.  I believe in time I will get to the point where I am ok with my emotions (or should I say sharing them and showing them).   And for some reason, I'm just not there and I know that MY GOD has a reason for that.  It's my coping mechanism.  And maybe it's so that when we have a pet pass away, and my 9 year old is in the front seat of the car crying out of nowhere, it's me that can reach out and hold her hand and rub her back and tell her it's ok....without being a sobbing fool.  Who knows.   That's what I'm going with. I do know that a year ago, I would not have cried out to MY GOD for help...and that's all I do sometimes.   I cry out "Jesus, help me!"  It's still hard for me to talk about feelings and yada, yada, yada, that's what this blog is for.  This is for me to share what's on my heart....and for right now....what's in the blog....stays in the blog!
I do miss my dad, and I have never said this out loud.   I'd like to think I'll get there. I hope to get to the point where I can share my feelings with  people and not care about the outcome.  And, as I'm writing this, I'm realizing that I have missed my dad long before April 16. 
I pray that MY GOD takes my hands and uses them, takes my heart and opens it and breaks it, literally for what breaks HIS, I want MY GOD to use my body (please Lord take this body! ) for what will glorify him.  I want to love MY GOD with all my heart and soul and mite.  I am nothing without him and I want and NEED to be reminded of this daily!  I am reminded right now, that the trials of my life are mercies in disguise.
So, whoever reads this, please pray for us.  And for me....the reasons are too many to mention....just say my name, MY GOD will know what I need.  :)