It's been a rough week here at the Hirtriter house. Our beloved dog...Harley Jane, AKA-diddles, AKA-pup-pup din ( I know, right?), was welcomed into Heaven yesterday. She was 14! Yep...14!!!! I don't know how she did it....she was living on love. So, needless to say, it's been a very sad couple of days here. You wouldn't think that coming home would be so different....it is. Nae-Nae and Lolly are such precious girls. Their poor little hearts are broken. But, they say things like, "well, at least she gets to play with grand-dad again, and Kouch and Buster" (2 other family dogs that Harley grew up with). It's hard to lose such a part of the family. And I do realize, people that don't have pets just don't get it. Just like I don't get people who don't have pets.....
Yesterday also would have been my dad's birthday-had he not died on April 16. As I sit here right now, I am having the hardest time making myself talk about this subject. Like I told you before, I pray before every blog. And today is no different. I pray for MY GOD to take over and speak through me and to me. This is a subject I have rarely talk about, and for some reason, I can't not talk about this. I have been very emotional over the last couple of days. I have literally felt myself slipping into anxiety attacks, panic, worry, shame, regret, and questions. To be perfectly honest, I was almost ok with being there. Even though I know that these feelings are not from MY GOD, I gave in and listened to the enemy. It was easier than getting on my knees and being completely open about my feelings. I know it's ok with MY GOD to have feelings of sadness and mourning. The other feelings, definitely not, because I wasn't in a place to glorify MY GOD. And that is what I'm trying to get to-glorifying MY GOD in all things. The difference in me now, and the difference in me a year ago--- I am stopping the cycle. No more negative, shameful, regretful feelings. I know that is not what MY GOD has intended. He has intended on me coming to him. And I did that. Sure it took me a couple of days to get here, but I'm here now. It's times like this, I am convinced this is why MY GOD started this blog with me. As I sit here now, I am feeling a calming peace flowing through me. I believe in time I will get to the point where I am ok with my emotions (or should I say sharing them and showing them). And for some reason, I'm just not there and I know that MY GOD has a reason for that. It's my coping mechanism. And maybe it's so that when we have a pet pass away, and my 9 year old is in the front seat of the car crying out of nowhere, it's me that can reach out and hold her hand and rub her back and tell her it's ok....without being a sobbing fool. Who knows. That's what I'm going with. I do know that a year ago, I would not have cried out to MY GOD for help...and that's all I do sometimes. I cry out "Jesus, help me!" It's still hard for me to talk about feelings and yada, yada, yada, that's what this blog is for. This is for me to share what's on my heart....and for right now....what's in the blog....stays in the blog!
I do miss my dad, and I have never said this out loud. I'd like to think I'll get there. I hope to get to the point where I can share my feelings with people and not care about the outcome. And, as I'm writing this, I'm realizing that I have missed my dad long before April 16.
I pray that MY GOD takes my hands and uses them, takes my heart and opens it and breaks it, literally for what breaks HIS, I want MY GOD to use my body (please Lord take this body! ) for what will glorify him. I want to love MY GOD with all my heart and soul and mite. I am nothing without him and I want and NEED to be reminded of this daily! I am reminded right now, that the trials of my life are mercies in disguise.
So, whoever reads this, please pray for us. And for me....the reasons are too many to mention....just say my name, MY GOD will know what I need. :)
Friday, March 25, 2011
Monday, March 14, 2011
A love like Hannah's......
It's funny how events transpire, how something can come full circle. I love when this happens and we are able to realize that it has happened, and I love being one that can stand after "the circle is complete" with my head held high and with no regrets. I want to say to anyone reading this that, I love my family. I love my husband, and my precious girls more than life itself. And right now, I am so, SO filled with love for my precious 9 year old, words cannot even describe. I have often wandered "why is she so immature" or "when in the world will she start thinking inside the box, instead of going straight to the outside of the box?" It has finally hit me, a few moments ago, that our Hannah Hirtriter is exactly who MY GOD wants her to be.
For those of you that really know us, you would know that there have been certain incidents that took place, starting in 3rd grade and leading into 4th grade, with a major "blow-up" the second week of Hannah's 4th grade year. It has involved a certain family and with the exception of the previous sentence, I will not speak on this matter further, or speak on this matter ever again, unless there is Glorification to the Lord in store. It has also, been brought to my attention, at this very moment, that I have given this matter to much of my attention. WOW....way too much attention has been put on this matter, I hear you, LORD....I HEAR YOU!!!!
This has been an extremely difficult year for Han. Throughout this year, our prayer has been that God would remove people from Han's life that are not good for her, or that would not bring glory to him. Every morning we pray with the girls before school, and every morning we pray for Han to be filled with kindness and love for others, even those not friendly with her or those she doesn't see eye to eye with. Hannah has done amazing with this task. I have never been more sure that if Han were any other way, the outcome to this year would be so different. My naive, immature, outside of the box thinking, precious, wonderful, forgiving, kind, loving, gentle, and grace-full Han is exactly who she is because MY GOD made her that way. Never will you meet a more special girl....I am convinced. And up until now, I have not appreciated the first 3 things I used to describe her. Those aren't her issues, they are mine....YES I HEAR YOU LORD.....LOUD AND CLEAR.......
So, I am going to continue to pray for love to overwhelm me, a love to pour out on others. I am so convicted and burdened for this. I want to be full of love and grace to others. GOD I pray that you pour these out to me.....Help me to give unto others as YOU have given to me.......
As you all know, I've been reading Crazy Love and there is a passage in this book that tells you to refer to the "love scripture"....you know, "love is gentle, love is kind, it is patient..." The author of this book challenges us to put our name in where the word love is, or where love is referred to. So, in other words, that same scripture would read, Caryn is gentle, Caryn is kind, Caryn is patient, she does not boast......."and so on. I want to be able to put my name in scripture and feel good about the passage. I didn't feel a warm fuzzy feeling when I put my name into this scripture, I think what I felt would best be described as nausea and guilt.I am thankful that MY GOD is making changes in me, very slowly. MY GOD is laying things on my heart that I have never before felt. I feel so passionate about hurting hearts. My soul has been so burdened with those that are hurting and those that may not see or feel there self worth. UUGGGHHH....thinking about some precious people right now, brings me to tears. I would love to be full of the same qualities as my 9 year old....ALL OF THEM! I want to be full of a love like Hannah's. A pure and innocent, forgiving and grace-full love!
Some updates/out of my box moments brought to you from me, courtesy of MY GOD:
~ I introduced myself to someone who has been visiting our church on Saturday.....I actually went up to her and introduced myself....even husband noticed this was a big accomplishment! (no, there was no hug that transpired)
~ I am being overwhelmed with a need to be frugal.....a huge conviction! This has to be from God......
~ not sure why, but adaption has been heavy on my heart lately....guess I should talk to husband....good thing he reads the blog....
~I am so in love with my precious girls and girlfriends.....straight from God comes friendship....I am convinced!
~definitely doing a 5K in October, I need to register
~ still getting ready to train.....I've said it before and I'll say it again..."Rome wasn't built in a day"
~I'm back hard core on the healthy eating......yeah, I fell off for a few days.....it happens....
~my new favorite quote, " It's the Holy Spirit's job to convict, God's job to judge, and my job to LOVE"-Billy Graham
Hirtriter out......
For those of you that really know us, you would know that there have been certain incidents that took place, starting in 3rd grade and leading into 4th grade, with a major "blow-up" the second week of Hannah's 4th grade year. It has involved a certain family and with the exception of the previous sentence, I will not speak on this matter further, or speak on this matter ever again, unless there is Glorification to the Lord in store. It has also, been brought to my attention, at this very moment, that I have given this matter to much of my attention. WOW....way too much attention has been put on this matter, I hear you, LORD....I HEAR YOU!!!!
This has been an extremely difficult year for Han. Throughout this year, our prayer has been that God would remove people from Han's life that are not good for her, or that would not bring glory to him. Every morning we pray with the girls before school, and every morning we pray for Han to be filled with kindness and love for others, even those not friendly with her or those she doesn't see eye to eye with. Hannah has done amazing with this task. I have never been more sure that if Han were any other way, the outcome to this year would be so different. My naive, immature, outside of the box thinking, precious, wonderful, forgiving, kind, loving, gentle, and grace-full Han is exactly who she is because MY GOD made her that way. Never will you meet a more special girl....I am convinced. And up until now, I have not appreciated the first 3 things I used to describe her. Those aren't her issues, they are mine....YES I HEAR YOU LORD.....LOUD AND CLEAR.......
So, I am going to continue to pray for love to overwhelm me, a love to pour out on others. I am so convicted and burdened for this. I want to be full of love and grace to others. GOD I pray that you pour these out to me.....Help me to give unto others as YOU have given to me.......
As you all know, I've been reading Crazy Love and there is a passage in this book that tells you to refer to the "love scripture"....you know, "love is gentle, love is kind, it is patient..." The author of this book challenges us to put our name in where the word love is, or where love is referred to. So, in other words, that same scripture would read, Caryn is gentle, Caryn is kind, Caryn is patient, she does not boast......."and so on. I want to be able to put my name in scripture and feel good about the passage. I didn't feel a warm fuzzy feeling when I put my name into this scripture, I think what I felt would best be described as nausea and guilt.I am thankful that MY GOD is making changes in me, very slowly. MY GOD is laying things on my heart that I have never before felt. I feel so passionate about hurting hearts. My soul has been so burdened with those that are hurting and those that may not see or feel there self worth. UUGGGHHH....thinking about some precious people right now, brings me to tears. I would love to be full of the same qualities as my 9 year old....ALL OF THEM! I want to be full of a love like Hannah's. A pure and innocent, forgiving and grace-full love!
Some updates/out of my box moments brought to you from me, courtesy of MY GOD:
~ I introduced myself to someone who has been visiting our church on Saturday.....I actually went up to her and introduced myself....even husband noticed this was a big accomplishment! (no, there was no hug that transpired)
~ I am being overwhelmed with a need to be frugal.....a huge conviction! This has to be from God......
~ not sure why, but adaption has been heavy on my heart lately....guess I should talk to husband....good thing he reads the blog....
~I am so in love with my precious girls and girlfriends.....straight from God comes friendship....I am convinced!
~definitely doing a 5K in October, I need to register
~ still getting ready to train.....I've said it before and I'll say it again..."Rome wasn't built in a day"
~I'm back hard core on the healthy eating......yeah, I fell off for a few days.....it happens....
~my new favorite quote, " It's the Holy Spirit's job to convict, God's job to judge, and my job to LOVE"-Billy Graham
Hirtriter out......
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
This past Sunday at church, we had a guest speaker-and he was AMAZING! The service was titled "Storm Chasers". The service in a nutshell..."OUR GOD IS BIGGER THAN ANY PROBLEM WE FACE". He also referred to Francis Chan's "Crazy Love". An amazing book, I might add. During the service, we were faced with the question, "when we pray God's will for us, do we really want it?" The example given was, "we have all prayed the following prayer...Lord, we pray for safety as we travel. We ask that no one gets hurt on this trip. Please keep everyone safe until we return, and bring us back safely." "Would we be willing to pray this prayer? God, bring me closer to you during this trip, whatever it takes....."
(This from pg.133 in "Crazy Love". ) I know, that for me personally, I pray for God's will, and I pray that I am open the listen for Him and to hear Him.....but when it comes down to it, do I really mean it? I know that I pray for safety for my family every day. I pray that we will be a blessing to someone else every day. But at what cost? I know I am not ready to pray, "God bring me closer to you, whatever it takes....." I am not ready to lose someone I love, I'm not ready die for the sake of someone else. "People who are obsessed with Jesus aren't consumed with safety and comfort above all else. Obsessed people care more about the kingdom coming to this earth than their own lives being shielded from pain of distress." (pg. 133 again). I am not obsessed. I WANT to be obsessed. I want to have the sole purpose of glorifying God. But I am so not there. My wanting to be there, isn't good enough! It seems like such an easy concept....knowing that God is BIGGER than ANYTHING that we face. I want to have a life free from worry, and I want to be care-free, knowing that MY GOD is going to take care of me. What's holding me back? It's awful to say, but it is easier to pray for safety and to be a blessing to others...than to pray, God whatever you bring to me, I'm ok with, because YOU are bigger than anything.
We sang a song at church Sunday, and the lyrics are: "there's a peace I've come to know, though my heart and flesh may fail, there's an anchor for my soul, I can say, It Is Well, Jesus has overcome, and the grave is overwhelmed, the victory is won, and He is risen from the dead, and I will rise, when He calls my name, no more sorrow, no more pain." So, although I may not be at an obsessed stage yet, I am on my way there....I am closer to being obsessed than I have ever been before. I'm thankful for this. Like I've said
before....Rome wasn't built in a day. :)
I am continuing to ask for hugs if you see me out.....I am getting better at this, husband tells me! Also, pray for me...I want to be obsessed and take everything that comes along with it! I want to have a daily prayer life. This is something that I struggle with....you know....with me being so busy and all ( Yes, I just hear God scoff at me, too!). So, these 2 things.....pray for me,and hug me!
Just wanted to give a shout out to all of my girlfriends! There is NOTHING better than a weekend away with true, Christian friends and having Christian girlfriends to share things with, and pray with....absolutely priceless!
HIRTRITER....out!~
(This from pg.133 in "Crazy Love". ) I know, that for me personally, I pray for God's will, and I pray that I am open the listen for Him and to hear Him.....but when it comes down to it, do I really mean it? I know that I pray for safety for my family every day. I pray that we will be a blessing to someone else every day. But at what cost? I know I am not ready to pray, "God bring me closer to you, whatever it takes....." I am not ready to lose someone I love, I'm not ready die for the sake of someone else. "People who are obsessed with Jesus aren't consumed with safety and comfort above all else. Obsessed people care more about the kingdom coming to this earth than their own lives being shielded from pain of distress." (pg. 133 again). I am not obsessed. I WANT to be obsessed. I want to have the sole purpose of glorifying God. But I am so not there. My wanting to be there, isn't good enough! It seems like such an easy concept....knowing that God is BIGGER than ANYTHING that we face. I want to have a life free from worry, and I want to be care-free, knowing that MY GOD is going to take care of me. What's holding me back? It's awful to say, but it is easier to pray for safety and to be a blessing to others...than to pray, God whatever you bring to me, I'm ok with, because YOU are bigger than anything.
We sang a song at church Sunday, and the lyrics are: "there's a peace I've come to know, though my heart and flesh may fail, there's an anchor for my soul, I can say, It Is Well, Jesus has overcome, and the grave is overwhelmed, the victory is won, and He is risen from the dead, and I will rise, when He calls my name, no more sorrow, no more pain." So, although I may not be at an obsessed stage yet, I am on my way there....I am closer to being obsessed than I have ever been before. I'm thankful for this. Like I've said
before....Rome wasn't built in a day. :)
I am continuing to ask for hugs if you see me out.....I am getting better at this, husband tells me! Also, pray for me...I want to be obsessed and take everything that comes along with it! I want to have a daily prayer life. This is something that I struggle with....you know....with me being so busy and all ( Yes, I just hear God scoff at me, too!). So, these 2 things.....pray for me,and hug me!
Just wanted to give a shout out to all of my girlfriends! There is NOTHING better than a weekend away with true, Christian friends and having Christian girlfriends to share things with, and pray with....absolutely priceless!
HIRTRITER....out!~
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