Letter From God

I just received my letter from God.   This is a letter that last summer, on June 29,2010 I wrote to God.  I poured my heart out to Him on paper. Some things I prayed for and wrote to God about were struggles with loving myself and thinking I was ever good enough to be used by Him.  I wrote to God to break me of ME.  I wrote that I would remember that MY GOD only wants good for me, not bad.  I asked God to give me mercy on myself, and that I would see myself through His eyes...not mine. On the other side of the paper, I wrote a letter from God to me- What I would want to hear from God, and having NO idea where I would be at this point in my life. This is what it says:

     2 Timothy 1:7
Dear Caryn,
Come to Me.  Call out to  Me! I am ALWAYS here.  I will never leave you, or forsake you.  My love for you is unconditional.  My grace will never run out-Cry out to me in your time of need.  I am never disappointed or angry with you!  I LOVE YOU!  You are MY DAUGHTER!  Spend time on your knees, talk to ME-Keep our relationship open.  LISTEN for me to speak to talk to you.  I will always love you!
                                                                                                GOD
      Isaiah 61
                                                     BE STILL AND KNOW
                                                        In the Name of Jesus

 2 Timothy 1:7 has only become one of my favorite scriptures from the NLT in the last 2 months or so.  Only MY GOD would know where I would be in my life, right now as I received this letter!  I had NO idea I would be blogging.  No idea that my prayer would be to "BE STILL AND KNOW".  No idea the changes in my heart God would be doing.  No idea what changes in my lifestyle God would be doing. Only MY GOD knew that I would be at this place of open-ness with Him, that my main prayer is to listen for Him, and to be open to what He says!   And only MY GOD would know that the blog He had me start would be called " finally being still and knowing".....
I was in a very sad, lonely, burdened, and broken place last summer. My dad had died in April, under the worst possible circumstances in the world, in my opinion.  I was left with regret, anger, questions, guilt, shame...and many other negative emotions I didn't know what to do with.  And only MY GOD knew what I needed and when I would be open to Him.  And the wonderful part is, MY GOD just waited there for me patiently, with outstretched arms and a love so great and a mercy for me and grace for me that I cannot even understand.   MY GOD knew then the changes He was going to bring to me. And MY GOD, waited for me....no questions asked.  He just never gave up.  And MY GOD is with me right now, with a presence so strong I can feel it in this very room as I'm typing this! 
MY GOD....WOW.....what a peace it is knowing. 

Coming Clean

It hasn't been my intention to only use this blog as a time to share when things are going well.  I want to also share when things aren't going great and when I haven't had my "light bulb" moments from God.  I have talked to so many people who this blog has touched in one form or another.  And that, in itself, is amazing to me.  How MY GOD can use me to reach others....it really is baffling to me at times.  I don't think it's something that anyone really gets used to....being used by God....GOD....to reach others!  Really, just think about that! WOW.   Now, on the flip side, I feel I need to be accountable to people who read this.   This is my way of having to be accountable to myself and others for what I say and do.  I don't even know where to start with this blog....so, what comes next will be straight from the heart, and from MY GOD.  I pray before every blog....and this is my accountable part...good or bad, what HE says, goes in......
I have been convicted in the last week or so.  I have not been faithful in prayer (or praise) as I should be.  Therefore, my week was full of anxiety, bad moods, short temper, a ton of "oh man, why did I just say that" moments, worry, doubt and countless other consequences for taking my eyes off of Him.  I have no idea when we will learn....it's such an' easy concept.  KEEP YOUR EYES ON THE "PRIZE" .....GOD!  So, as I'm sitting here typing this, once again, I am reminded of the Grace of MY GOD! Never ending Grace.  I am also guilty of being the girl who prays for those that don't treat us kindly, or does things that irritate us, or people we don't like.  That's what we're supposed to do, right?  Pray for those who aren't blessed being as perfect as we are. Oh, how wrong I am.  I should be on my knees, begging MY GOD to fill me with a love like His, and grace, a never-ending grace.  Just like the grace that has been abundantly poured out on me....day after day.  So, my prayer is this: "God I pray for you to fill me with a love, like no other love.  God, I pray, in Your Name, that you fill me with a spirit of Grace upon others.  People owe me NOTHING, God.  I pray, God, that you remind me of this daily.  I pray God that you never let me forget the grace you give to me daily, when the everyone I know knows I don't deserve it.  I pray, right now, God, that You use me to help others find You, I want people to know the meaning of YOUR GREAT NAME!  I want others to see the change in me.  I want to help the weak find strength in YOU.   I want hungry souls to find peace and the fatherless to find the rest that You  have given me. God, continue to speak to me and thru me......"

And, so while I'm "coming clean", I may as well go ahead and tell you all that the training for my 5K has come to an abrupt stop.  I did, however, do a bunch of planning for it.  I have learned that I am not one who enjoys walking or running for that matter, outside.  Therefore....a treadmill is on the way.  So, give me a break....I can't do anything without a treadmill! Healthy eating is still on track, though. Also, I have 2, yes 2, 5K's in mind to do.  So, give me a little break....in the words of RUN DMC...It's Tricky!  ( Oh, yeah...I just broke out the RUN DMC)  :)   
I know this is a bit long, but I also wanted to share some of my new favorite songs with you.  If you love music as I do, there is nothing better than an awesome worship song:  Manifesto, by The City Harmonic, and All I Need, by JJ Heller.
And finally, I have a request....if it's been a long time since I have seen you, and we see each other out somewhere, and we stop to talk....please hug me (don't just come and sneak up on me and give me a hug out of the blue, that would freak me out!) .  It's something else I'm trying to work on.  I ran into a precious soul today, that I haven't seen in over a year....and I didn't hug her when I talked to her....it's nagged me all day that I didn't do that!

I love being reminded of the Power of the Cross....

I hate these mornings.  The one's where you think you woke up in time, until you go downstairs and find the dishes from dinner last night still sitting on the stove, kids homework everywhere, no one can find socks, the trash bag leaked all over the floor,and then you step on the scale and NOTHING. Not one lb gone.   I hate these mornings. Plus fighting with a 9 year old, and a 5 year old who doesn't want to go to school if she has to brush her hair. No mom of the year award for me (again).  Because of course I couldn't even find a scrunchie, and did not end up brushing said 5 year old's hair! My pity party is now over (sometimes it just feels good to vent)!!!!!
  And so, ( with about 10 mins. in between the last paragraph) I just got put back in my place by MY GOD, honestly it literally just happened.   I was just signing onto this blog, and there is a button you can push to go to "next blog".  Thinking I would go to my next blog, I come across a woman's page....called Barefoot and Happy, I think. And across her page it's written, "take off your shoes, you're standing on Holy Ground".  This woman is taking her readers on her journey as she is continuously finding tumor after tumor on her body.   Thanks again to MY GOD for being there to put me in my place.  I should be rejoicing that I am able to fight with my 9 year old, and that my 5 year old has hair with an option to brush or not to brush!  I don't really think that MY GOD wants me to minimize my feelings, I think it's ok with Him that my bad morning doesn't have to be like someone else's bad morning.  I do think that MY GOD had to put me in a place of pure thankfulness this morning though, because MY GOD knows, I was everything but thankful this morning.
Ive just recently gotten to the point that I'm ok with praying to MY GOD  any time during the day.  MY GOD is always there.  I used to feel that I had to have one long prayer time during the day.  Let me add this to my list and pray during my prayers tonight, kind of thing.  But for me, MY GOD is available any time and I will pray at any time. I have just come to realize that, I pray and mostly ask for things....I have never had a real time set aside just for praise and thankfulness.  So, starting right now, my mornings are set aside for prayers of praise and thankfulness (and of course during the day, too).  But for me, just to be sure I start off with a prayer of thanksgiving and a truly thankful heart for Beauty for Ashes!

A little update

Just thought I'd share this link....www.c25k.com.  It's what I'm using to train for my 5k.  I have no idea which 5k I'm going to do...and I have no idea when....I just know this is one of my goals.  Also....my healthy eating has been going wonderfully and I already feel and see a difference!  This is just another thing I never thought I'd be doing....but, here I am!  I'm loving having this blog.  Somewhere to just write whatever it is I'm feeling, and for people to want to read it....WOW!  I have always thought pretty darn highly of myself....and now for people to actually want to read what I have to say.....EVEN BETTER!

Figuring it all out.....

I just want to take a minute and give a "big shout out" to MY GOD!  And when I say a "big shout out", please don't underestimate.   I truly mean a "BIG SHOUT OUT" (my innate ability to speak like a 15 year old girl does not do me justice, most of the time)!!! Let me just start by explaining to you that it has taken me SO long to get to the point that I am at right now, at this moment.  My God is making things clear to me each and every day.  What He is making most clear to me now is that EVERYTHING we have gone through- the good, the bad, the happy, the sad, the times of guilt and the times of pleasure, and the times that we think we cannot possibly go on, all of these things are preparing us for what He has in store for us next.  If anyone would have told me a year ago, that at this moment, I would be here sharing my heart on a blog, feeling content, forgiven, loved, and like I have something to offer others.....PPPPSSSSHHH.....I never would have believed it.  But, it all has brought me to this place.  And what a WONDERFUL place it is!
I'm  far from perfect, but this morning, as I was praying and thanking My God for revealing Himself  (to myself and others) I also prayed that I would be used by Him with this blog.   I want to speak about what He is doing in my life and the journey He's taking me on to get there.  For the first time, it's exciting to me to know that I am being used by GOD....MY GOD!!!!!  It's even exciting to me that when I  talk about God- it's MY GOD. There is a song,  Your Great Name, by Natalie Grant (who is freakin' amazing and everyone needs to hear this song), that has one of the most powerful lines in it....."All the Weak, find their strength at the sound of Your Great Name, Hungry souls receive grace at the sound of Your Great Name, THE FATHERLESS, FIND THEIR REST".....this line is me.....I have found Rest!  I have found Peace!  Actually, I have been GIVEN rest, and GIVEN PEACE!  WOW....this just made me cry!  And that's my cue.  My second blog is officially finished!  Hey, Rome wasn't built in a day.....

I have NO idea how I got here.....

As I'm sitting here typing this, I am wandering what has happened to me in the last month!  I have honestly NO idea how I got here, what I am going to talk about or post, or why people would be interested in reading what I have to say.   The only thing that I do know, is this very moment (the one I have tried to ignore for a while), has been planned by MY CREATOR who loves me and wants me more that I can even imagine!  Having a blog has NEVER appealed to me!  But this year, 2011, has been amazingly wonderful for me, and it's only February! My goal this year, is to listen for God to speak to me, and to DO what He says. To BE STILL and KNOW!  Did you notice my blog address-is that what you call it???I am SO excited to finally be at a place of peace and contentment.  Knowing that absolutely nothing I can ever come across is bigger than MY GOD! No need to worry.....MY GOD has my back!  I guess, looking at this now, that is how I got here.   I don't think I come up with these ideas on my own....I would be perfectly happy laying in bed watching The Golden Girls right now.  I guess this will be where I put my daily struggles, what 's on my heart, what God is showing me and teaching me, how my training is going for my first 5K(and yes, I plan on running it), and just my daily thoughts in general, which will probably be a bad thing at some points. 
ok.....let's get this started and see what happens!